Stargirl
I wish. I wish.

I’m going out today. Guess who I’m seeing?
Wish me luck.

xoxo

May 2010

I’m sick

I’ve recently gotten some new followers, I don’t know how you found me but I’m glad because it’s always lovely to make friends with new people isn’t it?

Right now I’m sick with an ugly cough. I feel really tired, almost like I’m about to faint at any second. I don’t really know what my last post was because I haven’t read it in so long but I’m still with Leo.
Still with Leo.

He broke up with me in an email a month ago telling me that we were too different to be together.
I can’t get into it because I don’t feel well as it is. Hopefully I don’t die.

xoxo

April 2010

Please

I haven’t given up yet.
I don’t plan on giving up because then that means I’ve given in.
And I’m definitely not going to.

I feel anxious though but I know I can just live through this until I get a message.
And if I don’t get a message, oh well then.

I have such a strong need to be comforting someone and vice versa.
Jesus.

January 2010

Yes, I’m here again.

My days have turned into a love affair with coffee and most recently, codeine.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I have a problem. I have a problem with substances, I have a problem with food. I happen to be a binge eater and I’m not proud.

This is the first time I’ve ever admitted it to someone who wasn’t me.
I’m ashamed to tell anyone that I know personally because I don’t want them thinking I’m some weak girl who can’t handle her own problems.
The truth is, I want help and I just don’t know what to do.

Update on Leo:
We got into another fight and I don’t know if it’s just because I’m on my period or if it’s because there is an actual problem.
We don’t fight very much, I only write in here when I feel like shit.
For some reason, at this point I feel like I wouldn’t even be surprised if I was being cheated on. It’s like I expect it to happen.
I keep thinking about cheating and kissing another guy, a faceless unknown guy, and it just feels so exciting. And then I feel wrong because I really do love Leo, I’m in love with him of course, but I don’t feel like it’s being reciprocated right now. I feel lonely.

And that’s that.

January 2010

I know. I know.

I know there is someone out there who will really love me for me, but why are they so hard to find?

January 2010

Happy New Year, 2010 is here!

Did you miss me?
I missed you I really did.

January 2010

Merry Christmas :)

It’s overwhelming to love but I’m going to do it anyway.

December 2009

Total opposite.

This is such a sudden change. There are pretty much 19 pebbles now.
He’s taken me back and I feel euphoric.

We saw each other today and he held me. He told me he loved me and he kissed me.
I love him so much but I think I’ll scare him if I let him know just how much that is.
I feel like it would be something that would overwhelm someone.

December 2009

I can’t believe it.

I gave in because I couldn’t wait anymore and he still hasn’t messaged me back. I hate the era of the internet full of IMs. I wish everything could just be in person, it’s easier isn’t it? I think it is. You can gauge their emotions and everything else whereas on an IM everything is just so…blank. Using words isn’t even close enough to explaining the emotions that flood your face.
I wanted to believe that I could wait, but what if he was waiting for me and my ride? I was going to leave it alone and then I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I was feeling sick all day because I just missed him so much. Is that normal?
I don’t normally show my weaknesses like this so easily because it’s too much for me to handle. It’s too much for me to handle because I don’t want people to believe this is the real me. And it is the real me. Well part of it at least and I’m not allowed to expose that, I can’t.

I just want to feel whole again.
I was stupid to believe that I could wait at all.

By the way, there’s still one pebble left if you wanted to know.
…Wow. One pebble.

xoxo

December 2009

So I don’t know…

He can be Leo…except not. They both have similar qualities. One that stands out in particular is where he starts to ignore me, and it’s not because of school…I don’t know what it is.

Maybe I’m not interesting enough anymore.
There is only one pebble left. Let’s hope the count goes up to 2 at least sometime this week.

Well, I broke up with him. Not because I want to, but because maybe it’s the right thing to do. If he cares he’ll come back to me. I won’t wait anymore, if someone else picks me up while I’m waiting for his ride I’m going to take it. Only because he’s taking too long and I won’t be here forever. Only because I still love him and I want to forget.

xoxo